Multitasking – The Weekly Spread

I’ll admit, this column can be a little gay-centric. Okay, a lot gay-centric. Isn’t that the plight of every young, urban, (aspiring) professional gay man, though? Being completely shallow and self-absorbed? You’re nodding. I know I promised y’all the backstory on my nemesis this week, but I was inspired by some recent conversations with breeder friends to discuss a topic that seems to plague both the gay and straight dating worlds: Guys having multiple burners turned on at once.

Seriously, dudes, make up your damn mind. Call me old-fashioned, but when I’m dating someone, I like to get to know that person, and doing so requires me to focus all of my romantic energy on him. I literally cannot tell you how many times I’ve met a seemingly nice guy, gone on a couple dates, and then hear some variation of: “You’re great and all, but this other guy I’ve been seeing wants to take it to the next level.” Most recently, the exact reasoning was: “See, there’s this other guy who I was kinda seeing when I asked you out, and I was actually more interested in him than you, so when he finally called me back this weekend and said he wanted to be my boyfriend, I decided I needed to ignore you for a week and then send you this really long text attempting to explain myself. I’m so quirky!”

In a word, argh. Like I mentioned above, breeders have the same problem. One white ladyfriend of mine was in danger of becoming the kept woman of an Indian guy she liked until she discovered he was also dating someone with a higher family approval rating. Another soul sister was really into a guy who appeared to return her affections… as long as his more stereotypically popular bimbo wasn’t around. Despite these types of stories, I honestly think gays have it worse. Think about it. Straight guys who act this way are “jerks,” “casanovas,” or “clap-having jezebels” who get their comeuppance in the end when all their girls figure out they’ve been played.

In the gay world, this is just “playing the field,” or “getting all the cox and assets on 17th,” both implying it’s a natural part of gay dating and that if it bothers you, you’re oversensitive or “being a woman about it.” A recent conversation with my only gay friend, who happens to be in a long-term relationship (go team!), revealed that this trend is especially prevalent in DC, where the typical twentysomething Hill or nonprofit staffer is still getting hammered every night with friends from college and generally deferring adulthood for another decade. Not only is the grass always greener in the next yard, but a DC gay will lean over the fence to trim the other lawn while he’s still mowing yours. I think this is due to an epidemic of ADD among homosexual men; they completely forget about one person the instant another potential suitor enters their line of vision.

I’m becoming a lesbian.